Hello? Can you hear me?

Communication: The imparting or exchanging of information or the means of sending or receiving data. Currently, we have been blessed with means of communication that our forefathers would perceive as magic. We send and receive information in the blink of an eye, and we can even talk face with someone that lives on the other side of the world!  Considering our communication advancements, one would think that we would be exception communicators compared to our ancestors. Sadly, this could not be further from the truth. Our abilities to understand one another have declined, especially in marital relationships. What could be the cause? It is probably a combination of busy lives, noses in smartphones, Ipads or TVs, and a growing habit to escape reality into virtual worlds.

I have thought a lot about this problem this week. I participated in an exercise of noticing when I turn toward my spouse. I kept a detailed record for 5 days when I made a bid/cue for something I needed and tried to catch when my husband did the same thing.  I went back into my husband's cave to talk with him and sat down. He understood and turned off the tv so we could talk. He turned toward me. He understood my request even though I didn't say a word. Did you know that only about 14% of our mode of communication comes from actual words! 45% is our body language/facial expressions, and 41% is our tone voice. Unfortunately, nonverbal communication is also the easiest to be misunderstood.

The role of the listener is a tough job. The listener must try to translate what the talker is trying to convey. I would like to share some ways we can improve our communication skills to become better listeners. First, David Burns taught in "5 Secrets of Affective Communication" –

Empathy- 1.  try to see things through your spouse’s eyes.

2. find the truth in what they are communicating. Notice what is being shared, the actual meaning, not just what they are saying with words. Try to understand how they are feeling.

 3.  Ask kind and gentle questions to help you learn more about how they are thinking.

Assertiveness-  4. Try to express what you have heard. Use "I feel” -I feel like this is what you are saying. Help me to understand… statements rather than” you”- You did this.  You are being ridiculous, statements.

Respect- 5. Always be respectful of your spouse even when you are frustrated; try to find something positive or loving to say to disarm the tension. (Notice the acronym EAR to be better listeners!)

Using this principle has helped me be more aware of how I listen and that I need a lot of practice! I am not suggesting that you speak like this all the time! Taking time to stop and really listen to what your spouse is saying is a valuable and instrumental tool to have in a relationship. No, it isn't easy, and it does take time.  Sincere effort to build this worthwhile habit will be a life-changing skill that will help not only your marriage but all your interpersonal relationships.

I would also like to mention the fantastic practice of holding a regular counsel meeting with your spouse. Begin with a quiet place in your home where the two of you can be alone and uninterrupted. Next, take a few minutes to express appreciation for your sweetheart. Then have a prayer and ask the Lord to bless your meeting, guide your discussions and decision-making process. Now have an open, safe discussion where you are free to disclose your thoughts and feelings. Seek first to try to understand what the Lord wants you to do.  Create a space of safety where you both can listen to each other's perceptions. Close with a prayer to ask the Lord if what you have decided is His will. Lastly, share a favorite treat or food. Wow, doesn't that sound great! Imagine what having a regular counsel meeting like that could potentially do for your marriage. Skeptical? Test this out and see what happens.  I haven't tried it yet, but I am definitely going to have a “sit down” with my husband about it. Who knows, maybe we'll turn around this decline in disabled communicators and start a new generation of super observant listeners!