Choose your hard. . .

Remember the day my dad left. He packed up his car and said goodbye to my sister and me. I begged him not to go. I told him I would be a good girl, and maybe he wouldn't have the leave. He got into his car a drove away. I sat on the porch sobbing, saying over and over," No, Daddy, please don't go!" until my mom picked me up and took me inside the house. I was 5 years old, and even though my father was verbally abusive and was very difficult to live around, I loved him, and it broke my heart to see him drive away and leave us. I couldn't understand why. All I knew is that I hurt, and I hated that my family was being broken. I had to testify in court against my father. My mother worried that he could not be trusted because of his violent tendencies. She wanted him to have limited visitation rights. After the divorce, my dad would make plans to pick up my sister and me, and then he wouldn't show up. I felt so sad and like he didn't love us anymore.

I was afraid of my dad. He was happy one second and angry the next. I walked on eggshells around him and tried desperately to please him. It was until later that I knew why my mom divorced my father. Mainly she divorced him to protect all of us from his volatile bi-polar emotions. My father was gay and had had affairs with other men. She was terrified that his loose lifestyle would expose my sister and me to some things that, as children, we didn't need to see.  Thankfully my dad protected us, and some of his partners were really great guys. The tricky part about staying longer than a week with him was because of his temper.

I lived in two very different worlds growing up. My mother was middle-class; she was a nurse who worked nights. We lived in a small house with grandparents close by. Visits with my father were in southern California in a prominent place in North Hollywood. We went to Broadway musicals, shopped in fancy malls, and even stayed at the Ritz carton once.  My dad was well to do, but he wasn't happy. He collected beautiful works of art and loved to share the finer things of life with us but never really shared himself; actually, I don't think he knew how. My mom struggled with depression, and I sure she felt threaten by all the things my dad did for us with his money. She never remarried, she just worked hard and raised us.

Divorce is so hard even if it is the right thing to do, it hurts the entire family. I am glad I didn't have to walk on eggshells every day with my dad, so I am grateful my mom was brave enough to ask my dad for a divorce. If you can save your marriage, try as hard as you can.  Suppose you feel there is no other way, then I hope the details of my own personal story will help you prepare for some of the consequences of divorce.

 Paul Bohannan's six stations of divorce give a clear understanding of what to expect in a divorce.

1.      Emotional divorce- this is the loss of respect and affection for a person you have shared your life with.

2.      Legal divorce- officially bringing the marriage to an end It is public and at times demoralizing.

3.      Economic divorce- the settlement of property and assets.

4.      Co-parental divorce- custody of children, visitation rights, parental responsibility- bottom line children are ALWAYS the losers in a divorce.

5.      Community- each partner leaves one community of friends and family and enters another. This causes personal supports to shift. Some stay loyal; some walk away.

6.      Psychology- the individuals must accept the relationship's disruption and regain a sense of being an individual, not a couple.

Many things can and should be worked through to save a marriage. Fighting for a good marriage is hard but going through a divorce is hard too. Choose your hard. Choose wisely.